A Written Attempt at Regaining Personal Sanity

It’s been weeks since the last time I felt “OK.” I wouldn’t say I’m doing terrible or close to breaking down, but I haven’t been “OK.” Too much has been going on. My focus is zapped. My happiness has tanked.

The always required Cat Tax

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had spurts of happiness. Ultimately, my life isn’t bad. I’m still working (from home even!). My husband and I get along well so we’re actually enjoy being trapped with each other. Home is a haven where I can routinely have fun and explore creative pursuits. I have two cats to keep me entertained when they’re not trying to trip me down the stairs. I have a good life. I am very lucky.

Yet, things are weighing heavily on me. I mean, I’m aware that it’s doing that to everyone right now, but I haven’t really expressed my personal feelings. Well, to Nate, but otherwise I typically keep my thoughts guarded. Nothing like a good old defense mechanism.

But, this morning, as I toil through work, I thought to myself “you have a blog! GET. TO. WRITING.” Now I’m here. The more I think about it, I realize how much easier it is to organize a fictional tale than it is to organize my actual thoughts and feelings.

It won’t stop me from trying.

Venting into the Chaos

I want to start off by saying, I like people. All kinds of people. I like learning about different cultures. I try to see the best in everyone, even if no one else wants to.

Is that cliche as hell? Yeah, probably. Who doesn’t, right? Everyone says that shit.

Anyway, recently, I find myself not liking people as much, even the ones I love. Ugly is being flung around. I’m not a fan. No one has room to enlighten themselves. They’re right and that’s it. They don’t want to listen. I know it’s always been that way, but it’s getting to me.

Is it so hard to try to learn from each other’s experiences? Isn’t it worthwhile making a point without cutting someone else down? Even if you don’t agree with someone, it’s not hard to be civil. If we can’t do that, how in the hell is anything supposed to change? How are we supposed to grow as a society?

Just take the moment to be kind. Yeah, not everyone deserves your kindness for sure, but show them a better way. It doesn’t cost you anything. They’re not going to remember the points (valid or otherwise) if you start the conversation by treating them like shit. There’s nothing to gain there.

Was now the Write Time?

I think I picked a really bad time to start writing. There’s too much going on and I highly doubt many will be interested in dark erotica fictions of any sort.

It’s unfair really. I FINALLY have the time now that our office is furloughed one day a week. I’ve put in some writing work. By the time I put this up, I would have self-published two stories on Smashwords (Bait and Awakening) and I’m working on the next thing.

Honestly, I don’t expect it to amount to anything. I’m more doing it for my own peace of mind, really. The books are free, so I’m not even looking for a profit.

The real problem is I feel super silly for doing it NOW. I should be something important. Or I feel like I should be, anyway.

Call Center Blues

I’m starting to suck at my job. I really am. My quality has gone down. Some patients get it, which is great. Some patients have forgotten we’re real people on the other end of the phone. And they seem to have forgotten our worlds have been turned upside down.

Healthcare is a beast. Please be kind to those in the field. We have a lot going on. Call center staff is on the front line, too, even if you don’t see us. A lot of responsibility has been doled out to us. We want to work with you, so please don’t work against us.

We can only do the best we can.

And it sucks when you make us cry. Yeah, that happened to me today. 10/10 would not recommend.

The end of thought

These are the things that really bother me at the moment. I just needed to get them out of my head so I can focus on my next story. The weight has been barely tolerable and I’d prefer not to break completely under the pressure. And even if no one sees this, at least it’s outside my headspace. But, if you are reading, thank you, friend. Until the next time we meet!